oh baby, please

it always feels good to be back home..

2009-01-02T09:54:00.001-08:00

hi everyone, or anyone, who still bothers to drop by. (: I AM BACKKKK.

im loving every bit of sunny singapore, the comfort of my own bed, my cat, my family and friends. and of course the boyfriend. its amazing how painful sometimes a long dist r/s can get, and it puts so much uncertainty in the r/s. but at the end of the day, when you see him, everything just explains itself, and you know you're willing to go through anything for him.

and im leaving in 10 days, back to the US till july.. ): im gna miss everything that im loving now. and most of all, you. but im only going to be more determined to make us work (:

ilu <3

love

2008-05-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

could it be true that

you fall in love with someone who possesses attributes you desire and lack
which makes this special someone different
the different views different expectations
become obstacles in a relationship
and you decide its best if you let go and set him free from a possible burden

yet again, true love is possibly when you triumph these obstacles together and see eye to eye
how much should one give before letting go
can anyone be entirely unselfish

friends say never let yourself get hurt in a relationship
protect yourself and never commit fully
because guys move on so much quickly than girls do however strong the girl is
but what if i hurt you?

i promised i tried
but behind those smiles
are tears i swallow back in
are the shivering ends of my lips struggling to stay up to maintain that smile

but somehow at the end of evrything
i know i love you
and somehow thats all thats in my head
no matter how tough it is

i can do it. i tell myself i will.

**

i duno who to talk to sometimes
i feel so insecure
rejections
financing my uni education overseas
do they want me? what do they think of me? when are they going to call me? who has gotten it?
endless questions
i try to believe
wishing upon stars and everything i can wish upon
i try to have faith
i duno who to turn to
im so sick of crying at night
because i duno who to turn to.
i miss school
i miss my friends
i feel so tired
i just wanna run away from evrything

**

invigilation

2008-05-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

haha me reliefing in rgs now.. its a really pleasant experience, so many ex rgs pple are here so its pretty fun.

and now i finally know what goes on behind the scenes before and after examinations.. and its pretty entertaining how some of the responses given by students for their midyears are so funny ha. and it feels kinda weird to only use red ink now (:

anyway b is finally back! (: after a long 8 days.

AND I CANT BELIEVE IM SO BEHIND FOR GOSSIP GIRL as in TWO NEW EPISODES HAVE BEEN OUT since that long hiatus!!!!! screams. rushing home from sch now to watch it. so squealable (:

me backs!

2008-04-14T00:09:00.000-07:00

me is back!

haha.

after a whole series of scholarship interviews, im still without one.. ):
waiting and waiting and waiting

anyway psc just sent me a rejection letter, not even offering me an interview. sigh.

oh to happier things,

(:

you know i'm head over heels over you
baby just trust me
just for this once

been reading jodi picoult's nineteen minutes.. really good.. im pretty sad that i have a mere 100 pages left before i finish the book.. where's melia! lend me your library of jodi picoults! (:

hoho i wonder who still comes by this url. anyhoo, TA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIOK! belated actl. by one day. DINNER SOON PLS!

((:

-

2008-01-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

painful history
just another repeat of it
maybe not just
not that simple

ive got this nonchalant feeling abt it though
like, HAHA i alrdy know how it feels so hit me
but yeah
i feel like a fool

its me
just not cut out to be
haha
im so sick of those pangs
pangs that ran away from
and now back to

fuck

mambo

2007-12-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

HIHI

mambo night on wed! haha like my second time after postprom and i must say its pretty fun! and yvonne's the best person to be with in a crowded club like zouk cause shes just so cute (:

had pretty much happy fun with siok carol von claire melody! haha that crazy guy who kept walking past us up and down up and down like for a gazil times lol. and nxt time we'll come earlier and get access to phuture before they stop selling anymore tickets! grar.

yvonne send me fotos! haha! (: claire has a nice cam that takes good pics in the dark.

got home at like 5plus and had to wake up by 9 for tuition! before rushing down to paragon to meet the rest for lunch.. my legs were like so heavy haha but we still shopped around in town till like almost 5 before me and siok left for novena to meet the luohan! AND SIOK IS SUCH COMPANY FOR SHOE SHOPPING HA. and mondo has like the best deals. so effing cheap omgs. like i bought a pair of pretty heels and flats for a total of 36.90. beams.

was great catching up with the lisapizza cause i just miss her. felt great just sitting outside nov sq chatting till eleven. we could do it again nxt week after your work shifts lisa! and come with us coming wed!! (:

anyhow anyway, trng tmr. hwachong. SUPER UNFIT. a pretty grave feeling. haha but im sure ill have fun still. friends and netball. <3 almost all i need!

*

misses.

(:

2007-12-18T00:49:00.000-08:00

((:
smiles.

i have a great life now.
i love (:

oh baby

2007-10-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

its painful
to have made that choice
to try and convince myself its the right thing to do

its a good thing im sooo occupied with uni apps and a levels
but i know its not fair
and i try to fight that conscience of mine

it doesnt feel the same
though it shouldnt be any different

ive learnt about new things
my heart breaks
but i always try to mend them in time
or chuck them aside
but this time it really is in pieces and im still trying

wheres my future

*

anyway, ive got new songs in my playlist (thanks shouyee!) and im really happy with it. can u imagine having to mug thru this period without good songs. but some damn emo and you know, influences my mood too.

was just thinking back on my 2 years. and maybe a little before that as well. i really miss the good ol days. SO MUCH.

i miss those days with mus hanis melia lemin charsu yuru in 401
i miss those days in sec1 and 2 with jenn mel lisa moni melia sara abby adeline denise yixuan xinyun stef shree bala vithya yuru debs omg everyone
i miss those days when we slept over at moni's just beside the presidents' residence (:
i miss those days when we had fun pe lessons with lindalim
i miss those days with anna manda melia in rgs
i miss those days when i get to go home with anna and manda with melia
i miss those days when netball seemed to be in every single day of my life
i miss NETBALL
i miss the team
i miss the training
i miss the sun sweat tears and whatnots
i miss having to shoot evryday
i miss gyming evryday
i miss the 5k runs evryday
i miss the netballers so much
i miss CAMBODIA
i miss the people in cambodia
i miss the past so much
i dont wanna move on away from school and uniforms and teams and friends and everything

i miss rgs so much. i miss netball so much. im feeling lost evryday having only one goal in mind which is to mug as much as i can till a's and hope for the best. i dont even know which uni i wanna go to though ive FINALLY recently decided on my early decision. and all e rest is left in God's hands.

*

and i just pray that everything else will be just fine and ill have you back the way it was before. and we could laugh like we didnt have to care about anything and love like theres no tomorrow. remember the long bus rides? remember the movies? remember the ice cream? remember the mugging sessions? remember the secret sleepovers? remember your birthday? simple things. that mean the world to me. and im desperately searching them back.

i dont wanna let it go as well
but

*

lost

2007-09-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

lost

i feel so inadequate
my prelims
was just plain disappointing

i used to think i was capable of great things
but now im really doubting myself

i wish i could one of those smiling as well
i wish i never had to cry
and when i cried
i wish i had just someone
maybe you

pictures (:

2007-09-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

my lovelies

happy bday shiwei. babylion.

i love my frens. (:

prelims

2007-09-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

gosh its finally over.
friday.

screwed up chem mcq BIG TIME.
went in with too casual an attitude and yeah i paid a heavy price for tht.
oh whatever at least all's over.

im rlly stressed out over thurs though
results day
i think ill cry and huddle in my little shell and not talk to anyone
yes it'll happen.

anyway. post prelims has been GREAT.

friday:
RATATOUIEE with shiwei melia mus hanis <3
PICNIC @ BOTANIC GARDENS with my favourite pple. LANTERNS OMG. we played lanterns. (:
and HAPPY BDAY SHIWEI WE ALL LOVE YOU.
(pictures ill post tmr. rlly lazy now)

saturday:
nick (:
shopping (:
and more shopping (:

sunday:
TUITION! with the luohan and tara (:
then out with rench at robertson quay! zomg yummy food thanks lots.

monday:
lincoln!
ca yl glor!
more yummy food! (:
MPS MPS MPS! finally im back at MPS i so missed it!
and we left MPS at 1130 zomg! so late!

and tuesday (which hasnt come but is gg to come!)
pick up my sats books from town!
drop by forever21 and see if my reservation is still valid! the dress on the mannequin was loves!
GYMSESSION FINALLY YES GYM BURN FATS BURN with rench.

and many more happy days to come till thursday.
then ill be sad again. ): hahaha what the.

oh eff exams

bye

sigh

2007-09-11T03:26:00.001-07:00

WOO math paper one tmr and im freaking seriously after that horrible paper during CT2.

ANYWAY I HATE ECONS I SCREWED UP bleah.

was looking thru fster when i was taking a break.. and i came across some photos that make me wanna turn back time.

LOVES <3

ZOMG hahah whats new, amanda.

pearlene yvonne kelda amelia jiajia michelle shihui carmen candera xinlei gillian amanda silei chuwen carol kim natasha RJC NETBALL 2007 <3

i think you can click to enlarge the photos.

cheerios.

sick

2007-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

im sick
very sick
never felt so sick in so long

my tummy has been so uncomfortable
and that headache
and that mildly disturbing fever
added up
its crazy

i was a wreck today
tried to do some math
couldnt do much

im worried
for my prelims
i cant fail
i dont want to
i want to do well

but i cant seem to intensify my mugging
im just moping my days away
seeing my As fly away

oh whatever my tummy hates me thats for sure
everyday it bugs me after i eat
i should just not eat and shrivel and die

GRR

i want teddys.

***

you took my heart away
when my whole world was grey
you gave me everything
and a little bit more
and when its cold at night
and you sleep by my side
you've become the meaning of my life

michael learns to rock - you took my heart away

<3

***

sigh
shihui is scared
i miss
you

i wish nights werent so lonely (NO SEXUAL CONNOTATION YAH LOL)

i need a break desperately

pookeywookey. i want to slp alrdy.

im screwed

2007-08-31T11:48:00.001-07:00

ive been slacking
i study
but nowhere near intensive
i pray i will survive prelims really

anyway

i love sioks.

and justina

and my mac loves

*

ambivalence
duality
doubt
baby where are you
just where are you

stress

2007-08-23T11:52:00.001-07:00

im really quite screwed for prelims lah everyones so hardcore now ><
im trying to be hardcore too!

why is it that every afternn after lunch im plagued with a tummyache till dinner time which sucks cause im trying my best to study but it just affects my concentration.

anyway, i was reading the newpaper and there was this girl who fell on a bamboo pole and the pole actually pierced through her chest area like THROUGH the body. gosh but she looked pretty okay in the picture when the medics attended to her. haha but the pole missed her heart by like a few cm. so thank God and praise the Lord. she looked too little to die because of a bamboo pole. boo. this is so severely random.

was looking through my mac and see what ive got..
pictures from tuition!

this is what we do during tuition:

tada!

xueling cynthia lisa (:

me hearts luohan lisa <3

tuition on sat and sun again! somehow i enjoy tuition. (: lisataraxuecynthiaweiquan!

anyway,
thank you for all that sweetness. i really appreciate it, especially in such horrible times.
if you actually read this.

bedtime all.
zhaijians.

and all i need is for time to turn back around to the happiest days of my life:

you gave me the best i could ever have.
shihui.anna.amanda.chuwen.(amelia).

cacophony

2007-08-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

theres just too much noise in my head
being bothered by too many things at a go.
sigh.

whats becoming of me?

anyway,
didnt go to school today.
tried to study..
read some gp today my gp is really rotten havent touched it since jan1 07.

anyway i had a really sweet dream last night
which is one of the many reasons why i didnt wanna climb outta bed this morning
if only fantasies like that actually do happen
another reason to sigh. yet again. haha.

its 22:12. boo.
hahah. missing somebody.
so quiet now.

okay my life sucks. BYE.
taralaa.

when friends can be all that you need

2007-08-08T09:17:00.001-07:00

tidal wave of emotions

2007-08-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

you brought me on a rollercoaster ride
i was so angry at myself

anyway

the whole uni thing is stressing me out, enough to cause the biggest pimple outbreak ive had in the whole of my jc life. serious. its embarrassing, i hate my complexion now.

maybe its the sun i used to love the sun so much but now i feel like the suns killing me whenever im in the sun. IHC netball was like soooooooooooooooo scorching hot i almost died. carmen said "shihui you just look like the suns killing you on court" hahaha. laughs. i probably was v irritated with the heat. sigh but yeah bw won. yay.

national day celeb was better than i expected, in a sense that i managed to have a great catching up (though stressful) session with resh and chupoks. hahha. all that talk about universities and the upcoming oxbridge applications. i feel so mediocre really.

so yeah a long break from school. hopefully my pimples go away. haha.

AND THE NEXT FEW DAYS WILL BE THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE UNTIL SAT MIDNIGHT COMES. boo. for 2 and a half weeks ill have to live without ><

STILL
i hate rollercoaster rides
why you

i knew it

2007-08-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

kcuf you.

maybe its my fault i shouldve known
but still,
i hate you.

doubt

2007-08-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

i want to lead my heart
and not follow it for once

but maybe its all too tiring

why

2007-08-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

thanks for talking, r.

F ighting against memories
E tched on the banks of my soul
A s i try to charge through the barriers
R ecurring inner voices stop me in my track.

the fear of failure
the fear of disappointment

i must get myself outta this.
God, can you hear me?

the rose

2007-08-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

some say love is a hunger
an endless aching need
some say its a dream afraid of waking
the heart afraid of breaking

a razor that leaves your soul to bleed?

its time

2007-08-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

VR
B
A
A
D

TIME TO BUCK UP AND WAKE UP SHIHUI.

BAAAAAAD.

growl.

anyway. it was a great day today.
lunch with lisa xue siok tara haiti was so funny lisa youre really a chao ah lian.
"very HAO CHI leh"
HAHHAHA. (:

grin.
it has been a happy day.

tears

2007-07-31T09:45:00.001-07:00

why cant i have a better brain that will allow me to solve math problems!

i so cant feel that A for math coming. not at all.

):

ive been at the integration rev ws for AGES. and yes besides some distraction from msn. I CANT FINISH IT.

*

im torn inside
a right a left
one bigger than the other
size and significance
both precious
but one has to be more

allow me to prioritise

i cant do this on my own
maybe its time i fall back on God
ive shunned my back on Him long enough
because of reasons i dont ever wanna think about again
(not sex omg)
i felt like i could trust no one anymore
and/or rather trust anything i do anymore

over time i actually realise
there were calls for me to allow Him into my heart again
actually no,
He has always been there
He hasnt left me
but somehow i feel like i have to learn how to open up to Him all over again
and i lack the courage to do so

been praying
for the courage to walk into the warm arms of God's community again
for the courage to pray along w evryone else, for someone else, and for myself.

Listening to Hillsong in the quiet lonely night just makes me yearn for You more. I miss You.

(:

2007-07-31T07:41:00.001-07:00

you just do the cutest things sometimes.

(: twinkle.

to:

2007-07-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

whisper in my ear you
the sweet nothings that tickle me happy
warm my lips with yours
tell me just tell me
that i am your one and only

baby,

take me back into time
then freeze it
and let us live forever the way it was-
was

i love you.

happy sunday morning

2007-07-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

downpour.
the sound of rain banging against the garden roof the window planes
nature's band

woke up to your touch
you ruffling through my messy overnight hair

if evryday was sucha happyday
ill be a happyhappy girl.
(duh!)

*

N!

=))

2007-07-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

its been the happiest day in so long.

falling aslp knowing youre just next door,
waking up to your face, to your voice. so comforting and reassuring.

YOU pangsehed me for lunch! grr. haha.
but YOU made up for it anyway.

wheedlesdoo. (:

scholarship preview was o.O u s e l e s s. haha i was so fidgety and restless. but talked to charmaine.. really missed her. those rgs days. charsu lets hope we get to go LSE tgr (: if we both make it!

QUEUED FOR DONUT FAC! haha! HAPPY OMG. 24 shimmering yummy WARM doughnuts. i gobbled 2 of them up instantly. the new flavor coffee almond is yummydums! a must-try! anyway, ill be bringing doughnuts on tues! look for me if u want some heh. =D

dinner was g r e a t! JUST GREAT. crystal jade is really tiptopjadequality. even the 1.50 plain porridge is enough to tickle your tummy happy. <3<3<3

just got home only! and its like 12 alrdy. ok i better finish up my math hmwrk!! zz. before i konk out ><

anyway, something embarrassing. IM READING POTTER BOOK ONE! lol. hooked alrdy. (:

*

i wish time could stop this very moment
give this a chance
wont you?

i will wait for you
no matter what i have to do
even if it takes the rest of my life

tgif!

2007-07-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY.

its been a long week full of tsts. though i missed 2 of them. but i did study for gp!
thurs got chem today got econs. killer la no time to do.. rah whatever fail la. ><

anyway tuition tdy. hashim's one funny guy. i love tuition. though we were all falling aslp. (:

wanted to do some work in e evening.. but had this horrible horrible horrible headache.. slept.

went for nice happy dinner in town. late dinner. FAT. sigh i put on 1 kg!!!! time to diet.

*

love.

NEW!

2007-07-26T03:17:00.000-07:00

revamped my blog slightly..
haha a break from studying econs.
i havent gotten anything done ><

anyway i love the rose. so pretty its almost translucent.

hopefully my blog wont die agn!

back to the books! ):

(glor's gg for her op soon, prayers!)

(:

2007-07-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

my pretty nike shoes carry the paint on their doors and windows.
cambodia 2006.

in need

2007-07-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

finally ran, the first time in like one plus weeks. a good 30min. allowing my mind to rest and just think about the recent times.

haha. a little of exam stress a little fear a little recalling of things i never wanted to remember.

but yet i felt this tugging joy at my heart this morning. this genuine happiness i never had in ages. but it got slammed when siok messaged me about chem lec test tmr. i so hate small tests like these.

there wasnt a reason for it really. i just felt it.

haha. maybe God's trying to remind me what happiness really is. from e simple things in life perhaps. ponned skl today so i had a aimless morning. it felt good to be alone with nothing on my agenda just allowing time to pass by doing the silliest of things like trying to touch my ceiling.

then i was just thinking about my life after JC. part of me yearns for a simple life, simple by defn means staying in Singapore for my studies and then working up the corporate ladder like every other person. the other part of me yearns for a "big" life, going to the UK or the US to study in Ivy League unis and being poached by big companies offering you promising careers. maybe my defns are a little deluded but i duno.. sometimes i feel like im just conforming to what everyone around me is doing. but as i say all these and think about the alternatives, i'll still be writing my testimonials and mugging hard for sats just like everyone else.

i feel like i need to liberate myself from something's that holding me back. i feel like i know what it is, but i am not sure what and how to deal with it and move on. maybe i need someone. but i already have someone. but i dont feel like i have that someone anymore. i really miss you.

well at least i worked out today. sweating and putting your heart to work sure makes me feel a whole lot better. but then im like freaked for chem test tmr and econs test on fri.

><

tarala.

haunting

2007-07-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

be cautious of memories you thought have faded
they've merely hidden from sight;
not rid,never will.

i cant move on

why

2007-07-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

why do i feel so weird knowing,
i thought i always wanted to,
now that im in the light,
i regret allowing myself to fall susceptible to you.

been really hooked on avril lavigne's when youre gone. i duno, somehow i feel like im living the song.
this sense of peace
yet a sense of unrest
wtf is gg on.

i pray for the day i wake up to clear skies.

*

i know we were.

ha

2007-07-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

haha im thnkful for the pple arnd me.
haiti tara siok thanks for your precious listening ears and comforting advice.

i will pull through i will.

*

im counting your footsteps as you walk away. its only when youre gone that i know for sure now.

so should i turn right or left.

i really dont know.

2007-07-13T08:39:00.001-07:00

its so difficult.

i duno what to do. whats right whats wrong.

will i regret it.

i miss the old. us.

*

it hurts more than you think it does.

happyday

2007-07-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

ponned skl. haha whats new =D shouyee managed to convince me.

anyway woke up real late like 1030.. played with my new macbook before rushing down to tp to meet melia n jenn.. hahha had the happiest funniest lunch lol. loves jenn. :)

OH AND TARA SWAM DAMN FREAKING WELL. keep telling us sure very lousy, in e end second la! tsk. haha! yay could see how happy she was, claps so happy for her.

HA, den me n melia went to watch p sch skipping rope finals omg damn cute. this fat boy he's like literally round he was skipping. hahha mighty cute i was so so amused.

anyway gymed today. and hurt my shin. siok warns me against a shin splint. whee. and tmr got ihc bball.

*

i miss-

hi again

2007-07-10T21:38:00.000-07:00

haha, i realise im always using this default skin by blogspot. ho. lazy to go into all that design and detail. haha the url's still the same old one. thanks to yl who loves to call me that. :D haha.